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Tuesday 4 October 2016

The Mesial Line (64 of 366)

Day 64 of the 366 day poem
challenge.

Word of the day mesial meaning: "relating to or directed towards the middle line of a body."

The Mesial Line 

I am in no persons land
No cock nor slit have I
No ability to give child 
No ability to birth child
No parents who are proud
No love that is not suspect
No identity that I can claim,
Well not so readily

I am alone
There is no one exactly like me(?)
No there are others,
But others in proud gruesome caves
Or in peculiar gouache shrines 
But I am scared

I am transferring 
But that implies movement
And instead I have been dumped
In this chasm whose sides are ringed
With man and woman
Each is alien to me now

Desire cannot complete 
These fragments of my identity
I am the glue
I am the only glue 
But I was never trained to hold it all together 
I was never trained 

I was groomed to hide
I was groomed to be ashamed
I am ashamed
I am embarrassed 
Ending seems like a release
It is certain and short
And maybe there is a door 
Maybe there is magic and wonder
And heaven beyond it
But no one talks about heaven for me

And yet what release is death?
Never ending darkness and blackness
Suppose that is all...
Suppose that nothing is better than suffering
Science says I am millions of parts
Why then is it so hard to be mentally two parts 
Because it's not real
It's as fictional as the lines of a road
We follow them but it works only because we want it to

I do not want parts 
I simply wish to be one

But I am not

Perhaps I am 
Perhaps perhaps perhaps
A thousand perhaps 
That might perhaps me into tomorrow
Defer what comes next

I am lost
I have no course to follow
I have no role model
I have no model
What can companionship be?
Will they love me
Will they love that part
Will they love both simultaneously 
Can that happen
Am I doomed to crack

Cut down the mesial line
And the tissue on the inside
Will look just as gelatinous and pink on either side
A comforting thought.

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