I hate and I love

I hate and I love

If you asked me why
I would guess at an answer
As possible as it is to say
What it is to love
And what it is to hate

A girl tantalizing close
And yet unfairly distant

Hope barely kindled
Mixed with pessimism so certain

She came in my dreams
A fantasy large and round
In all the ways the best for me to observe
Now my gaze is interrupted by glares
Glares that stream now unwarranted
To interrupt the landscape of
Her smooth lips curled but no
Longer charming
Filled instead with the snarl
Painted on when last I laid eyes
On her
Locked from her

thick lip stick with no taste for my mouth
Ribbons of hair absent from my hands

The floor boards are hard
On my bare feet
They are harder as I stand
And wait
Voices far away start up first
Then clearer

Now doubt

No ring no knock
Absence only
For tonight
Sleep
but alone
Thoughts intrude as they always would
Fears shadows sounds lights
Distractions perhaps from
The absence felt so keenly
In clean sheets in this bed
This giant empty bed
Empty with me